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An article in by Ellen Tien the September 2008 O magazine discussed the reluctance of people to state directly what they want. She was not talking about ordering a meal in a restaurant or buying items from the Web. She was referring to women and men being unable to confront others, such as their spouses or other members of their family, with their real desires. According to her, we tiptoe around our desires because guilt at wanting something is stronger than expressing our wishes directly.
As I read this, I wondered if we tend to reach for food rather than what we really want because eating is simple. Eating does not have to involve anyone else. Seeming to satisfy some needs within us, it can be done privately and in secret. And, for a very brief period of time, it seems to quell the “I want” feeling.
This came to mind when I recalled a sad story of a secretary whose husband was emotionally abusive. Because she had four children and very little education beyond high school, she felt incapable of leaving him. “We had a pantry in our basement,” she told me. “After my husband and kids were asleep, I would go down there, open up a box of crackers or cookies and eat them while reading some trashy novel. It was the only time I could do something without my husband screaming at me.”
She wanted her husband to change, she wanted to finish her education, and she wanted independence. But there was no way she could express or act on her wants so she ate instead.
A client in one of our weight-loss groups told us why she gained a great deal of weight as a child. “My mother worked at home and we were trained not to disturb her. But she would stop working if we wanted a meal or snack. So I used eating as a way of getting her attention. I didn’t want the food, I wanted her. But it was the only way I could get her.”
One of the hardest things about losing weight is keeping it off. The reasons are as numerous as gnats on a warm summer evening. But among the many pesky causes of weight gain after a diet is the failure to recognize your real wants. No matter how much you want to lose weight, you are not going to stay thin unless you confront your other wants. And the optimal, indeed critical time to recognize these wants is while you are dieting. Waiting until the weight goal is reached is too late.
Before starting on a diet, it would be useful to identify situations in which a “want” is translating into eating. Here are some examples. I want:
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To stop working and go home.
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A baby sitter so I can have some time for myself.
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My spouse to talk to me during dinner.
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My mother-in-law to understand how frazzled I am so she won’t stay with us for 3 months.
While you can’t always get what you want, knowing what your wants are is half the battle in controlling weight gain. Eating won’t change the wanting; it will only allow you to deny or mask what you want.
As Ms Tien says in her article, the solution is to act on your wants. In her words, “What you want isn’t merely what you get. It’s where you’ll be. It’s who you’ll be.”
And one of the things you will be will be thin
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Janet Podleski is one half of the sister act that wrote the bestselling cookbooks, Looneyspoons, Crazy Plates and their latest, Eat, Shrink & Be Merry! Janet and her sister, Greta, are also monthly columnists for Canada's number-one magazine, Reader's Digest, and were voted into Canada’s Top 40 Under 40 in 2000. The sisters and their inspirational, self-publishing success story have been featured on dozens of national TV programs such as The Today Show, CNN, Canada A.M. and QVC, as well as on hundreds of radio shows, and in magazines and newspapers across North America. In addition to a B.A. in Psychology, she has also earned a degree as a Registered Holistic Nutritionist. 
Brenda J. Ponichtera is a registered dietitian and author of several award-winning cookbooks, all designed to prove that "healthful eating doesn't have to take a lot of time in the kitchen."
Calorie Bargain: Oikos Organic Greek Yogurt
Calorie Bargain: Green Mountain Gringo Mild Salsa
