6  8  10  12  14.  No, these are not the winning power-ball numbers. They are not the mysterious coordinates on ABC's Lost. It definitely is not the sequential math problem you've gotten wrong on the SAT. They are the sizes in my closet.  Past, present and ever future.  Yes, I have multiple wardrobes for multiple sizes.

Last spring I was a size 10, by Halloween I was an 8, by New Year's Eve, a 12. Thanks to holiday cookies and egg nog.

Now that it's summertime and I am stuck in the higher end of my clothes spectrum, I am looking at my size 8 pants in awe.  I used to fit into that?!  Only 12 months ago?!  The waistline is so petite, so tiny, looks like it would fit over one upper thigh today.  And just to think, back then, I took it all for granted.  I actually thought I was huge.  I remember saying to myself,  "Size 8, I could do better than that...I'll just have to workout  a lot harder."  At my most fit (a size 6),  I remember catching a glimpse of my upper arms in the mirror thinking,  "Are those my grandmother's arms, or what?"

Now, a year later and almost 2 sizes bigger I think that I must have been nuts to think that. I must have looked great last summer and didn't even know it.

Isn't it amazing how size is in the eye of the beholder.  Amazing how you can be thin, look stunning and still think you need to loose weight... you're not yet good enough.  My God, do size zeros go through this, too?!  "Oh, just look at my butt, it is huge.  I'm a size zero, that's so humongous. I could do better than that.  I'll just have to work out harder.

A negative size would be nice.  Oh, if only I was invisible, I could fit into those low-rise jeans.... blah, blah, blah..."

I pose this question to you--why can't we see how perfect we are when we are there. Why must years pass, pounds be put on, before we look back at our wardrobe, look back at a picture of ourselves we inadvertently find and say,  "Woow, I was so thin, I was so beautiful.  Why didn't I know it?"  If only I could go back in time and tell myself, "These are some of the best days of your life, enjoy it, baby!" 

I sometimes wonder if what I do today will be tomorrow's reflection.  "Mary, if only you knew how great you looked in the summer of '08!!!  Girl, you were fabulous that year."  How free would I feel!!!  But, unfortunately, it seems that every day is like that yesterday. You know, that yesterday that says you're not quite perfect enough.  Everyday, no matter how fit or unfit  I am,  I think, "I would be happier if only I was 10 lbs. lighter, if only my waist was smaller, if only my stomach tighter, my arms more defined.... blah, blah, blah..."

I wish I could live in the future so as to discover how fabulous I am today;  then travel the space time continuum at warp speed, go back to the present moment and tell myself, "Indeed, you are fabulous today." 

Yes, I want to go back to the present.

A place where I don't have multiple wardrobes for multiple sizes.  I am just the size I am.  

There are no more size sixes in my closet taunting me, no size eights telling me they miss me, no size tens giving me dirty looks, no size fourteens mocking my child-bearing hips. Just the clothes on my back, size unknown. So, one day I can look back at that snapshot I found in a photograph album and say, "Damn, I looked great back then!"

And back then is now.

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