If I have been writing less, I have a number of excuses. I have been working feverishly on my doctoral dissertation and completed its draft this past week. I have felt stress and anxiety, and a flurry of emotions along with. Education for 25 of my 27 years of life is all I have known, and for the past several months, I have breathed life into the subject matter of its termination. I am, in many ways, mourning. I feel lethargy and a loss of appetite during the daytime. I literally forget to eat. When I can finally relax in the hours before bedtime with Matthew and our pets, I feel alive. Hunger returns. I hunger for his closeness and for every last item in our pantry. I feel entirely out of control with my appetite at this point, verging on being full to a state of breathlessness. I am chasing security – that most basic hierarchical need – and I am grappling for a comfort zone.

My understanding of my needs propels me. It is this same understanding that has motivated the subject matter of my dissertation. In lofty, academic, and sterilized lingo, the title – The Relationship of Fear of Intimacy, Body Image Avoidance and Body Mass Index – could just as easily read – People Who Use Food to Become Fat to Avoid Something. If it’s good enough for us to say that we gain weight as we hibernate through winter, then I think it its ok for me to go on record as saying that weight keeps us hibernated within ourselves all year long. It’s never swimsuit season if you feel like shit all year!

The mores of academic research and writing are not unlike those of traditional WASPS and their children; contain all emotion and signs of humanity, yet devote yourself completely and on record to something you consider to be an extension of love. Also, drink as needed, and drink often. But, in being the Jew that I am, I want to put the bottle down, and feed you with food for thought – courtesy of my dissertation! This synopsis (in plain English) will come in parts, so keep reading!

How did I come to believe that weight was a personal metaphor for something else? I had heard it said that human beings, as mammals, create what we need. I recall having felt like the weight was holding me back, but the only person not holding back the fork was me!

If we require security, we seek it out. We seek out companionship, we sleep to stave off fatigue, we drink when our bodies tell us we are thirsty, and we eat when we feel hunger. So, when we continue to eat beyond a point of satiety, then food no longer only serves to satisfy hunger. People often say that successful weight loss can be like lifting 50 pounds off of your shoulders. Who put it there in the first place, and why?

The journey begins here…

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written by Ca*sandra, December 04, 2007

I am guilty of that as well, eating or shopping to fill a need. I can't wait to read more.

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written by Trichina, December 03, 2007

Elliot, I truly believe that over eating is like a metaphor. I have to control myself at times because I notice that I eat a lot when I am bored or have nothing to do. I have to stop with the eating and maybe do something else like clean the house. Nah!! Who wants to clean the house :)